In the years years to follow I became anorexic. That's how I coped. Subconsciously food or the lack of it was the one thing on my life that I had control over. Focusing on that meant I didn't have to deal with the ongoing pain in my heart. Nobody knew. On the outside I was strong and always smiling but on the inside when I was alone the mask came off. I felt so empty imprisoned by my own thoughts and emotions. I wasn't coping I was just trapping myself in a vicious circle.
One particular night I felt I had sunk into a deep, dark pit with no way out. I was tired of the mask and the struggle. I felt I wasn't really living just existing. I had no words I simply cried out all night, 'Jesus'. He gave me a picture of a little child standing looking at a broken, derelict house. As she looked the childs heart felt so heavy with immense sadness. She could see through the brokenness, out the back in stark contrast there was a beautiful vibrant colourful garden. She longed to be there to get past the pain but she couldn't. As she tried to walk, the broken fragments would pierce her feet stopping her moving forward. Then the gardener appeared and lifting her in His arms He brought her, not around but through the broken house to the beautiful garden.
The night God started to heal my heart. It wasn't immediate because I couldn't cope with that. Sometimes it was one step forward and lots of steps back, but now God had my hand and I could trust Him. No matter where you are on your journey of life, God sees. He sees behind the mask. He sees what no one else even knows about. 'He heals the broken hearted and binds their wounds' (Psalm 2v24).
Being a Christian doesn't exempt you from trouble. Sometimes we have to fall into the pit but no matter how hard or how deep we fall Gods arms are always underneath and round about you. You are always within His grasp. We can choose many ways to cope but most lead to self destruct, but God alone 'knows the thoughts and plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans for your good and not to harm you but to give you a hope and a future' (Jeremiah 61v11).
God, by His love and grace has totally touched me and blessed me with a loving husband and two precious children. 'He gave me a garment of beauty instead of ashes....that He may be glorified'(Isaiah 61v3).
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